Shadow Dancer said, “Dear COL'ers: Why do you think you are the 'masters of your life' when you can't even blow your nose without the kimster's approval?
“When you all act like trained parakeets, chirping out the same old programmed praise for kim, how are you being unique individuals? What makes you 'originals'? In fact, with all of the pressure she puts on you to behave in a certain way, how can you claim to be an 'original' at all?
“I remember one of the first things Kim taught us was how there were no 'black and white' situations. She loved to bring up the question: is stealing wrong? Of course, when people would say: yes, she would bring up the question if it would be wrong to steal medicine to save her life? So... early on, she starts to program people into justifying all actions if it were to benefit her.”
Juliana said, “Shadow, I had forgotten this detail...many, many times we had classes in regards to this. And what's interesting is I have only met you twice in passing, as you had already left in '95 when I had begun....so just imagine how many times, over how many years she preached this conditioning. So that when the time was right to choose for a greater good, we would carry out her instructions. Everything...Absolutely Everything in her mind is justified. She believes everything she does is for some Greater Good! I've got news for her, she has yet to create any Greater Good in this world.
“This is SO hard to explain to someone, especially government agencies that feel as though we had our own free will and were acting on our own volition. Everything....and I mean Every Thing was directed by the Puppeteer “Kimster”...even Scott is a puppet.....and what is unfortunate is I believe he knows it, but he also has no power or free will left to even protect him self.
“And “Kimster” (I love that new name Shadow), if you believe in dreams as you say you do....you should have seen my dream a few days ago. Or maybe you already had this dream and that's why you're running so scared and assuring that no one in COL is reading the forum. Or how you try to hide behind a facade of, “I didn't tell them to do that.....maybe it was a misunderstanding in language....,” or whatever else you say. When will the excuses stop Kimster? When will you own up to what you've been doing since you entered foot into this country almost 40 years ago?
“I know your lurkers are still out there watching and listening.”
Shadow Dancer said, “Chicabonita, said I think she lives in a fantasy world where she has people to do things for her, but she is very unhappy and conflicted within.
“She used to talk about how she feels so lonely all the time. She used to tell us that she felt that no one could ever understand her at her level, because we are not on the same level as her. Why is that? She separated herself from those on the “lower level.” She didn't really want us to be there for her. She wanted us to worship her and admire her instead of treat her like a normal human being.
Shadow said, “She knows that she is not real. She knows that she didn't really immigrate to the US by herself. She knows that she lied about all the charity work that she did. She is suffering alone. And she knows that her COL students are only telling her she looks “younger than she did 20 years ago” to stay on her good side.
“She is alone because she has to maintain the fantasy world. If she were to admit the truth to COL, that (according to her ex) she is an ex-hooker with a 3rd degree BB in tang so do, and that all of the other stories were her fantasies, how many worshipers do you think she would still have? She is trapped by the truth and her lies. To continue to believe in something when there is evidence to the contrary, is not a sign of faith. It is a sign of 'denial'. I wouldn't be surprised if the only thing she earned by herself were STD's.”
Kathy said “Her Lessons: you've been reading some meaningful books. Gosh some may even think it sounds just like col. I wonder if they can see the similarities? It may have been her real bible. She does it all. (In my opinion. We haven't heard from Rossanna in a while. I miss her posts. I can't wait for our get together......Lets hope for good weather.
“You know how I think Tae Yun pulls people in? The COL group seem like the happiest people on earth. One big happy family. Who doesn't want love and the more the better. Tae Yun gives them special attention, gives them a taste of how much fun they have when they go to dinner or have dinners, lets them only see the fun stuff. Then people are asked by coler's to volunteer for this or that. Or donate to this or that and then they will be recognized by Tae Yun with lots of accolades. You are shown a bit of the “Exclusive” COL but it is beyond what you think you would be part of. But lo and behold......you have something she needs, or she has decided she can mold you anyway she wants. #1 is if you have a fat checkbook. You will be brought to her bosom (fake that they are) immediately. It will be bring you in, let you go a bit, then bring you in more.
“When I was there and was told I was in a cult, I said I was smarter than that, I would know if it was a cult. I found reasons as to why I was there. Why I was doing what I did for free. How I gave up my family, and spent all my time with Tae Yun. I bought into the stuff that I deserved this all for myself. I love education, I loved being around smart, or should I say intellectual people. All that smarts, and yet no common sense. Everyone gains from being there, but everyone loses too. When you leave, there is a future for you. Just take it all as a life lesson and go forward. If nothing else you know how strong of a work ethic you have. Because no one works harder.
“Don't feel bad about leaving Tae Yun...look how many lies you have been told by her. When can you really believe what she says? If she can turn Adam G away, and do what she has done to him, do you really think you would fair better?
“I remember her always telling the story how she always gives the person a million chances.... do you think she did that with Adam G? I don't know the story there, but I bet there wasn't a million or even a few chances.
“Tae Yun can hate me....I don't care. But I don't waste my time hating her. I'm at peace with it all. But I will gladly help support someone that needs it. I've been there and I know how it felt to leave. None of it is pain free, but it is recoverable.
“I asked my posts ago...does a person that has a black belt have to register their hands as a legal weapon? This is something that was supposedly done years ago. I just wondered if it was done or required now. Anyone know?
“Scott use to carry a pistol underneath the seat of his bmw. Why would a black belt need to do that. He told me it was incase Tae Yun's life was in danger. I hated when I had to drive his car and I knew it was there.
“Tae Yun also has all our personal information....ss# where we were born, bd, mother's maiden name...she knows everything.......our drivers's license #. but I guess we can also look into how many requests have been made to inquire about us. There is a paper trail and a virtual trail. It would be prudent of us all to check to see who has been inquiring about us.
bibby said, “Hello, I'm a friend of an ex COL-er who has been terrorized by Tae Yun. My friend told me about this site a few months ago, so I logged on and was immediately transfixed by your stories; then I felt sad, then I felt sick, then I felt angry, and then I broke down and cried. I've been reading the thread for over a month. I guess I'm trying to understand his experience and make sense out of the details I do know. He doesn't really like to go into it, which is totally understandable. But I have to be honest. I feel torn. I feel like I really have no right reading about your very traumatic personal experiences.
“I feel like it's the ultimate voyeurism, and I question myself and motives; I don't always feel good about logging on.
“Let me say I feel immense compassion for all of you who have escaped and are trying day by day to re-establish your lives. I see how hard it is for my friend since he left. It's hard to watch. The effed up thing is he's not mad at her. Or at least he doesn't let himself get mad at her. Or more likely, he simply can't express it. He just wants to live his life. He just wants to be free from this sticky web of insanity. He doesn't want her to die. Honestly sometimes I want her to die. I'm an intelligent person and I know that won't solve anything. Hey, at the very least I think she should be locked up for the crimes she's committed. It only seems fair. I guess I just feel enraged because she's still out there hurting people and her legacy of hurt lives on in so many.
“I think you are all extremely brave for leaving and for coming out and telling the truth. You have clearly inspired others to come out of isolation and share their stories as well. It appears as if something is going on - people are logging on - there is a momentum building. You are taking very important steps towards healing yourselves and others. Take care and keep up the good work.”
Bibby said, “Hi Chica, I'll do my best to answer your questions. I met my friend a little over a year ago when he was still heavily involved with all the abbreviations - COL, Tae Yun, LWS, etc. He told me stories from his past and mentioned Tae Yun indirectly in the context of his past - pretty much the canned story about how a wonderful person helped him achieve x, y, z. He alluded to being ready to make a big change in his life when we met, but I had no reason to believe he was involved in an abusive relationship with a maniacal cult leader or that he was in a destructive life-ruining cult.
“He did mention he hadn't seen his family or gone home in a long time. He told me he'd literally missed every family event for over a decade. He also made a point of telling me not to tell anyone we were friends, which I thought was laughable. Like, who cares?! I realize now it's because we met at an event where other culties were present, and I see in retrospect that he was being “monitored”. Pretty sick. Anyway, I thought ok, my new friend is a very kind and oddly paranoid workaholic.
“After he left, he revealed details of his experience very slowly. I'd read a lot about psychopaths and cults, and I'm fairly intuitive, so as he revealed more details about his situation, I got it. Some of it was textbook, like the various techniques that were used to control people - especially the sleep deprivation and isolation from family and friends. He never told me directly that he'd changed his name - I saw an old photo of him with a caption bearing his old name and I was like, umm, who's “Old name?”
“He doesn't like to go into details about his experiences in COL or his relationship with Tae Yun. I have learned more about his experiences from this thread than from talking to him, which feels weird and slightly dishonest. I have learned things about him from this thread that, quite frankly, I wish I didn't know. I'm an information junkie anyway, so I always end up knowing more than I want to - Viva la information age, right?
“I empathize for my friend and for everyone who has been victimized, abused, and manipulated. Especially for the children who had no choice. I feel helpless because this person is still terrorizing my friend and so many others. I worry it's exploitive for me to be reading your posts, because there's nothing I can do - except maybe bear witness?? I have a lot of questions, but I hesitate to ask my friend questions because he's already under a lot of stress, and I don't want to add to his stress. I don't think it helps him to talk about his experiences at this point, I think it just brings up uncomfortable feelings and thoughts.
Bibby continued, “Actually, this kind of dovetails with Kathy's question about why it seems like more ex-col women post than men. My humble (bordering on pop-psychological) opinion is that women get relief from talking about stressful and troubling situations, while I think it stresses men out more to talk about their issues. In my experience men tend to be so solution-oriented, and maybe talking about problems for which there are no immediate or direct solutions actually creates more internal pain and strife than relief for them. I'm admittedly making generalizations here, but I think for women it's very different. I know I get a lot of relief from sharing and airing my painful and confusing thoughts, issues, stresses, and struggles.
“Anyway... my friend is a f’ing brave, courageous, brilliant, strong, beautiful, imperfect, human being. I don't think he can truly understand the impact of all of this on his life and I don't think he has an overwhelming desire to make sense of it right now. I think he's in survival mode. I think he's simply trying to re-build his life brick by brick and stay safe from the very real threats on his livelihood posed by Tae Yun and COL. I believe these threats are REAL. I don't doubt for a second that Tae Yun, etc. are capable of serious harm after hearing first hand about the profound destruction they've already left in their wake.”
Kathy said, “Bibby, Sometimes a person can't talk about what they need to talk about. I bet that makes it double stressful. Someone told me recently that they had been helping people for so long and she got so much joy out of it.....but...she needed help now and someone to lean on and didn't know how to ask for it. I offered to be there for her, but when all else fails, give your fears, your hardships, your pain, your questions, to God. He has the answers for all. You only need to ask.
“When Tae Yun taught her version of the bible, you never asked God for help, you were to more or less ask her. Kind of like a false prophet. Whoever your friend is, I wish him well and tell him God will never forsake him. He will help him to overcome and become the defeater. There is nothing wrong with survival mode, just remember God doesn't give you any more than you can handle. Victory will be glorious too.”
Then bemused said, “The eyebrows I speak of weren't just the wispy little arches most people have on their faces. They were Tae Yun-type eyebrows, dark and solid.
“I chose the handle bemused because I take after my dad, and as he has gotten older he has tended to view everything with a sort of bemused detachment. Far more enlightened than Tae Yun, if you ask me. And as I've gotten older, I've had the same tendency. (Dad once offhandedly referred to Tae Yun as “Grandmistress,” alluding to S&M ladies, who often call themselves “Mistress So-And-So.”)
“Most of the disturbing dreams I've had have been of being back in COL and having to plan an escape. In some of them I've told Tae Yun off. But I didn't actually leave like that. I tried to negotiate a way to leave with dignity. I was able to do so, somewhat, because another student had recently left angry, and I was nice by comparison.”
Jacob said, “Yes those were some crazy brows. Sarah K. I think was the first right? It's definitely not classy, that’s for certain... but most of them are dressed extremely gaudy by kim anyway. At points after I left, actually several years after, once I realized it was a cult I had similar escape dreams..
“but they had more to do with trying to get my mom out... which was a real life nightmare.. For those of you who were never in, can you imagine speaking in whispers to your son that you are scared of your master, and think she possibly has a listening device in your vehicle, for months? I was on the phone with my mother for sometimes hours... She almost left several times.... (as she detailed to some extent on here, a while back)... I am glad you brought up the “fear of escaping”...
“Kim always said there was an open door.. And there physically was.. you could take off at anytime.. but with our brainwashed ways we were inclined to consult kim before doing so, after all we treated her like our mum... and when it came down to it, most of us got so mentally effed by kim, a quick exit wasn't easy..
“In fact I know many people have tried to leave in the past... #2 included... They just can't get past that mental control she has over you.... And now to worsen it, when something like this goes down, she breaks out the tape record and gets you saying something to the affect of “I am here of my own free will, and I do not wish to leave and understand that the door is always open”.... Anyhow, midnight ramble... have a good night/morning.
bemused said, “Kathy Kim, we have met. As I relate more of my experiences, you may be able to guess my identity, but if you do, please keep it to yourself. I'm not ready to fully come out yet. You're very brave for revealing your name.
“I'm feeling like ranting and reflecting about various subjects. I've been waiting for this. Every year or so I've done a web search on Tae Yun hoping to find something other than the usual PR BS. Now there's a Tae Yun Kim Cult *category* on Yahoo Search. Wow!
“I found the celebrity page on Tae Yun's website quite interesting. I think her appreciation for Barbara Bush is genuine. She's far more conservative politically than she admits publicly in this oh so blue state.
“Willie Brown got his picture taken with Jim Jones back in the 70s. You'd think he'd be a bit wiser to the cult thing than other politicians.
“I find the picture with Hillary Clinton especially galling. Back in 1992 Tae Yun told her COL class to vote for Bush Sr. At least one student was called onto the carpet in the next class for voting for Clinton anyway. Then, years later, she showed COL the infamous slander video on Clinton. If Hillary only knew.
“I've been out of Tae Yun's orbit for years now. The first year and a half was really tough. I was so exhausted that if I went out after work two nights in a row I'd get sick. I was depressed, lonely, confused, angry. Now all that remains are the COL dreams and distrust of authority. I can work for a boss or learn from a teacher, but they don't get any automatic respect from me. They have to earn it. At one company I organized a mutiny successfully!
“Most people who hear about brainwashing don't know how it really works. People don't become robots. They become so fixated on the illusion of a loving community or a future paradise that they put up with a lot of pain. It takes a lot of doublethink.
“Tae Yun didn't want students at each other's throats, because it made her look bad and required her time and energy to intervene, but she didn't want students forming alliances that might threaten her. She said she didn't want us to compete with each other, but she constantly compared us with each other. We always knew who was going the extra mile and who was in the doghouse each week. And while I don't have proof, I think at times she deliberately turned students against each other.
Then Juliana said, “Thank you so much Bemused for coming forward....every voice just adds another dimension and further confirmation of everything we experienced. You are right on the money about the relationships. Remember the spoked wheel....our only relationships were supposed to be inward to the hub of the wheel (Tae Yun) not to the next spoke. I've thought a lot about that since leaving. In many ways her explanation of the strength of this wheel doesn't make sense. Sure the wheel needs the hub for strength, but if the spokes don't have some connected tread it won't be able to roll...will it? Never made any sense to me....and there fore falls the weakness in her whole organization. Mother wasn't supposed to bond with child, nor were individuals to bond as friends. Just further illustration of a cult if you ask me.
“And I absolutely experienced Tae Yun pitting COL members against each other...she would challenge me by saying...”well so and so did this for me, if you were a good student you would do this for me....” There was no doubt she used this tool to pit us against each other and at the same time get us to go above and beyond at all costs to ourselves, physically, financially and emotionally.
“And yes me too....I still have “escape” dreams. Over the last 4 years those dreams have changed from looking for escapes or doors, running in fear to finally being able to stand up to her when confronted face to face with her. I pray for the day when the dreams completely stop.
“And yes, I too have difficulty with any one telling me what I should do anymore. Authority doesn't sit well with me at all anymore....but I believe as time moves forward, I'm finding balance with that as well. Every day gets better.”
Kathy said, “bemused said, Kathy Kim, we have met. As I relate more of my experiences, you may be able to guess my identity, but if you do, please keep it to yourself. I'm not ready to fully come out yet. You're very brave for revealing your name.
… I find the picture with Hillary Clinton especially galling. Back in 1992 Tae Yun told her COL class to vote for Bush Sr. At least one student was called onto the carpet in the next class for voting for Clinton anyway. Then, years later, she showed COL the infamous slander video on Clinton. If Hillary only knew.
“I've been out of Tae Yun's orbit for years now. The first year and a half was really tough.
“Mum's the word.....They have came after me, I have been threatened, I have had my phone tapped and such...I'm a little older and a little wiser now.....if they decided to come after me it just may back fire. It's a lot easier now to catch people doing the wrong thing. Besides that, I can't be quiet about everything. Enough people have been harmed. I can't believe some of the stories that I have read here. She has totally lost it. It has to be brought to public attention. Which I think it has.
“Tae Yun doesn't care about politics. When I was there she had pictures with Pete Wilson and Diane Feinstein. Then she didn't even vote, and probably no one else had time off work to vote. Politicians come to her because there are several people she has sway over and she can bring votes and funds to their cause. If they only knew. She likes having her picture taken with them because it makes her feel important. Then when she shows the pictures around she can show who her powerful friends are. What a pitiful way to live.
“Tae Yun even pits the instructors against each other. She use to tell me she felt bad but she knew she showed favoritism towards WWH. He was her favorite. She would talk about one student about the other. There is no one that wasn't talked about. She wanted to see who she could trust telling stuff to. Who would tell her the stuff on the other that was a big test. She told me stuff about Scott, probably to see if I would tell him.
“I have to run, but keep the stuff coming as you think of it. The more that come forward, the stronger it makes others and they will be able to talk about what bothers them.
“The hardest for me, was the love that I had for so many, the feeling that I belonged there, and then they totally hated me because she said so. The lies that she tells about us all. When she asked me to come back, I told her no. I told her she would never be able to trust me again and I would never be able to trust her. I lost respect for her. Without truth you don't have anything.”
bemused said, “In relating my experiences I'm trying to be careful not to obviously identify myself. I think I can talk about one recurring thought I never wrote about in my journal and never talked about with anyone until I left.
"I've always been a fiercely goal-oriented person. And when a goal is far off, I set a series of smaller goals to keep myself motivated. This works well in many situations, but in COL and JSW it prolonged my agony.
“Like most of you, it seems, I was frequently depressed. Sometimes it just got unbearable. I was lonely, exhausted, frustrated, and anxious all at once. I was trying as hard as I could to do what was expected of me and it was never good enough. I was trying to take care of my health and getting shaken down for it. (A doctor told me I was anemic and needed to eat more red meat. Fat chance.) On the rare occasions that I was alone for a minute during these low times, I would have difficulty keeping myself from crying.
“Part of what kept me going was sheer inertia, habit, the path of least resistance. I could just focus on making it through the day, following the schedule, doing what I was told, not making trouble. And of course, keeping my thoughts to myself.
“But sometimes this wasn't enough. This is when my goal-setting kicked in. I would say to myself, “If I still feel this way, I'll leave.” The fill-in-the-blank could be, “when I test for my next belt,” or “in six months,” or “on my birthday,” or “when the new year begins.”
“And when that time came, I was usually feeling better. There were highs as well as lows. I've read about how “peak experiences” can be stimulated emotionally and physiologically through known techniques, and a lot of her programs did just that. When I accomplished something, even when I wasn't appreciated for it, I had a sense of satisfaction nonetheless.
“I continued on in this cycle until I finally realized that although I might get better temporarily, I wasn't going to stay better. In fact, the highs were getting fewer and the lows more frequent. I thought the reverse would occur as I got “closer to Grandmaster.”
“After I left, the cycle did reverse. Even now, life continues to get better, and to surprise me by how good it can get.
Failed Student said, “I am so glad you found this site Bemused, and are sharing your feelings both while in the cult and afterward.
“I wasn't involved to the depth any of you COLers were, and I managed to have one foot in Reality all the time since I did not live under Tae Yun's roof. Even so, after I detached completely from them, I did have a difficult time readjusting, since my actions and reactions were somewhat programmed. It took me a while before I ate “normal” food again for one thing. One of my New Agey friends, or perhaps she was in Wicca, had a little ceremony of cleansing Tae Yuns energy from me....we burnt the dobuks, patches, and anything else that was affiliated with her. It was early on after I left, but it was a good symbolic break for me.”
Failed Student said, “I don't think prayer is going to help her, maybe a bolt of lightning from heaven above would shake her up though.
“She couldn't do here what she's doing out there. For one thing, her then husband at the time was restraining her a bit, and in a small state, any kind of outlandish behavior would evoke immediate problems for her. In California, there is such a wide variety of people and groups that it is much better suited to her needs. Being isolated on some large tract of land allows her to keep her activities from public scrutiny also.”
Kathy said, “It was hard for lots of us to talk to one another. We didn’t know who had agendas or what. We know what happens when you trust too quick. We don't want to get burned again. But believe me,, we understand why COL members had to do the things they have, there is no hard feelings.... There is just one joint action going on...how to open peoples eyes and know the real Tae Yun kim. Not the fake that you see and think you know. Enough people have been hurt. It is time to take the bull by the horns and let all know what happened to us and it can happen to t hem. Is this someone that you want teaching your children or giving your life and savings and future earnings to? What are people getting in return from her? Sure you learn.....but you have to or you are not profitable to her. Maybe she would give you a retirement policy in writing. Prove that she is going to look out after you. One that is non revocable. Course you would say no ma'am I don't need that I trust you. But does she trust or care about you really? Everyone is expendable. Even the almighty Scott....
“Lets just watch and see how they act now in the public eye. Many eyes are watching. I know I feel like I live in a glass house. But I have nothing to hide.
Lesson said, “I apologize for sounding harsh in my previous post. My point was, there is no excuse for her or anyone to do what she has done.
“From what I hear and understand, her environment is not so insulated. There are many in LWS that do not agree with her or her way of living. There are many who work there, have seen and heard things that would certainly help with the exposure of the cult.
“There are many Reps/Distributors that have shared with me their thoughts about her and as the saying goes, “it ain't good”. She should be kinder to the COL members. There seems to be a lot of uneasiness since all the postings. Kyong-Ae Kim, my advice is for you to ask for forgiveness from all you have hurt.”
Failed Student said, “Kyong-Ae Kim, my advice is for you to ask for forgiveness from all you have hurt. Even if she were to ask forgiveness, I wouldn't believe in her sincerity. We all know her to have the ability to turn her emotions around at the drop of a pin.
“Not only must she ask forgiveness, she must do penance. Let her divest herself of her ill gotten gains, give back the inheritances that she has stolen, compensate people for the pain they have suffered. Even the Catholic Church is owning up to their responsibilities in the pedophile cases and paying out hundreds of millions. Let her do the same. Let her “live simply that others may simply live”.
“I don't want any money from her. Let her come onto this forum and apologize to me, in front of all viewers, for her diabolical scheme to set me up in a compromising situation with her then husband. Maybe do a video link, showing her apologizing, and prostrating herself, albeit the good Rabbi thinks badly of this practice.”
Juliana said, “Your recollections stirred a recollection of my own. Many of you I'm sure will remember the class where fellatio given to a woman was discussed. She asked for a raise of hands from the women of whether we liked being pleasured by fellatio or not. Of course, every single COL woman raised her hand saying “they hated it”...though we all know this wasn't true....but we knew what the “right answer” was if we ever wanted to finish this class without conflict. One part time COL student, JW, spoke up and said that all of the COL women were liars.
“So we had a follow up class where this was again discussed and we had to one by one tell the men why we hated it to negate JW's strong belief that we were lying.
“Of course we were lying....Hello! Wake up JW....didn't it occur to you that we had learned the game of what to say in order to get the appropriate response we needed to get out of this class without conflict or further embarrassment. And it's my belief that she was trying to send a message to the men and try to condition their behavior....to leave us alone on all levels.
“I also know there are ex-COL and COL members out there who have been beaten for giving fellatio to their husband. There are many, many things that go on, under the very strong “code of silence”.”
Kathy Kim said, “I still can't get over the sex classes. She wasn't like that before. But she did tell us about the transferring of energy by having sex. Gosh hers must not be pure white light as she claims.”
bemused said, “Juliana -- I also know there are ex-COL and COL members out there who have been beaten for giving fellatio to their husband. There are many, many things that go on, under the very strong “code of silence”.
“When a man pleasures a woman this way, it's called cunnilingus. Some women who have never tried it may not like the idea, but I've never heard of a woman who tried it and didn't like it. And I'll bet that Tae Yun gets it when she wants it. Maybe JW is still trying to take things at face value and hasn't caught on that people lie to survive mentally. Or maybe he's just hostile toward women.
“A ways back in this thread there was discussion of a class where Tae Yun described the benefits of seminal facial masks. (Darn, I missed that one.) How is this special ingredient supposed to be procured if masturbation is forbidden?”
Kathy said, “Bemused, Don't be afraid, if you are, she wins. But still keep your eyes wide open. Many people are watching this thread and it isn't just us ex col people. Her old tactics might just come back and bite her in the butt. There is no one in this life that I know of that is a saint. But when you purposely hurt and defraud people, and numerous other deeds, don't you think you should be accountable?
“How many other people are going to be forever harmed by devious methods, when in fact they are just looking for happiness and to do good for others, and love. So long as our stories are brought to light to forewarn others of things that have gone on, we have tried to enlighten others of what to beware of. It has gotten a lot worse since I left. Is it going to continue to get even worse? When is enough, enough?
“This isn't one or two or even three people saying what has happened to them. But more than a dozen. There are facts, there is proof of what has gone on. If it wasn't for so many you could maybe toss it aside as someone just disgruntled, but not this many. These are true experiences and knowledge. Not all was bad, or we wouldn't of stayed as long as some have. But there is much cover up. There is much deceiving. Everyone that was there once loved Tae Yun. She could do no wrong in our eyes. But when we really opened our eyes we saw the truth. Those that were really close, including those in her bed, know who she really is. She claims to be a devout Catholic now. I see nothing in the Catholic religion that would agree with her teachings, or what she demands. I'm inquiring into that now, as I want answers from those that govern the Church and bylaws.
Hopefully all our postings have helped not only ourselves for being able to talk about what happened to us, but have given some that are or were thinking of joining her help in deciding what they want to do. Ignorance is not bliss. You need to have your eyes wide open in this world, to keep from being a victim.
bemused said, “Thanks, Kathy, that is reassuring, especially since I have had no contact whatsoever with Adam G since I left and didn't work directly with him while I was there. I can only be an observer in the Tae Yun vs. Adam G conflict. But would I love to be a fly on the wall if Tae Yun gets cross-examined in court. Lawyers and judges don't put up with evading a direct question.
“I was in full-time COL and worked for Lighthouse, so I was technically in the inner circle. But I wasn't in the innermost circle. She kept so many secrets that I'll bet even those in the innermost circle didn't know all that went on. I'll bet she kept things even from Scott and Adam G.”
Kathy said, “She keeps secrets from "everybody". Even more so after I left. We have compared some notes. Those that were told to do things to others have told of such things. You don't have to be a fly on the wall bemused, court is an open forum. Unless you are going to be a witness. It will all be out in the open for all to see.. If you would like to talk to me bemused, just say so and I will give you an email address to contact me. If you don't want to yet, that is ok too. It is up to you. As far as Adam G, there is a saying that Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
“But who was really scorned? Hopefully there can be some closure to that affair someday. It is harming both of them. I have to wait to see how and what is happening too. Truth will prevail there I believe. She had me spying on MM and all lovey dovey to him at the same time. Still driving the Mercedes that he was paying for. You can't believe her. She talks to each student about the other students trying to see who is the most loyal and will tell her what she wants to hear. She doesn't know what love is if she can turn around and hate a person in a moment in time. Remember the lectures of how she not only turns the other cheek but she gives people millions of chances? It is herself that she gives a million chances to.”
bemused said, “I thought I'd say a few words about Tae Yun's so-called weight loss programs. They were uninformed at best.
“A few years ago I got tired of yo-yo dieting and decided I needed to learn about weight maintenance. I joined Weight Watchers. There are other similar programs, such as Overeaters Anonymous and Take Off Pounds Sensibly, so I'm not recommending WW as the only way. What WW offers is basically information and skills. The information is about food, portions, exercise, and metabolism. The skills involve everything from lightening recipes to handling relatives who urge you to eat. The basic program is more of a budget than a diet. WW simplifies calorie counting using a point system.
“One of the things I've learned is that eating too little can be counterproductive. The body responds by lowering metabolism, and the result is that the weight just won't come off. Sure, you can push through this by starving yourself, but you can lose muscle and suffer nutrient deficiencies. At one point when my weight wouldn't budge, I got weight loss going again by increasing my intake by about 100 calories a day. This boosted my metabolism and got me back on track.
“Nutrient deficiencies can make weight loss hell by causing fatigue and hunger. Unfortunately, the hunger signal is not specific, so what you crave has nothing to do with what you need. Taking supplements helps, but there's no substitute for a balanced diet. Some nutrients are almost impossible to get in easily absorbable form from non-meat sources, such as iron, B12, and zinc. Vegetarians have to either take supplements or eat weird things like spirulina. Deficiencies in iron or B12 cause anemia, and zinc deficiency causes fatigue and lowers immune response.
“Anemia is more common in women for obvious reasons, but zinc deficiency isn't. (A sign of zinc deficiency is cloudy white spots in the fingernails, and at least one of the COL men had these.)
“COL members ate meat when we went out to dinner or had special parties and events, but their everyday diet was different. COL had a grocery budget off and on, but more of the money went to COL1 and later SG.
“Meat is expensive, so often the other COL households did without. I got most of my protein from eggs and tofu, which I think was typical. A doctor told me I had iron-deficiency anemia and recommended that I eat more meat, especially beef, which is the best commonly available source of iron. Even when following the "normal" COL diet I couldn't do it.
“COL members on special diets usually avoided meat even on special occasions. More than other members, they were caught between the hunger their deficiencies caused and the crazy diets that caused the deficiencies. Who wouldn't be weak and hungry eating just soy milk, or just fruits and veggies, or just rice and kimchi?
“The diets Tae Yun ordered were not just crazy, but unnecessary. Most COL members, both men and women, were in the normal range. I can think of only three women in COL who were obviously obese. Maybe Tae Yun wanted everyone to look like exercise video mavens but couldn't admit she didn't know jack ‘s’ about nutrition. Or maybe this was just another way of weakening and punishing us.
Kathy said, “I am one of the three.... I am sure....Like I posted earlier I was on a rice and kimchee diet for over a year...I only lost 20 pounds and I was given some fruit for the constipation. I was Anemic and before surgery I had to eat a ton of tofu, as that is rich in iron, to get my iron up before they could operate. My metabolism is shot. I don't have one. Some people are fat, some are not. I'm not feeling bad because I was not small like her, but I feel that I have the inter beauty that she lacks....It would be a sad world if everyone was alike. I'm a clothes horse and I wish I could wear smaller clothes but I can't. No one is perfect. Scott is just as much to blame as he is the one who complained about the grocery bill. He also told me to stop feeding the athletes that came there so much meat. At the time they were paying $500.00 a day to train, seems like you should be able to eat some meat for that amount of money, back in 91. Special diets weren't to make you healthier but to trim the food costs. Scott is cheap....he is money hungry too.....I wonder if he got chastised when he told me to try to get Tae Yun to spend less money? He wanted to halt her spending too. The diets for us adults, we have to own because we were adults, but it was so unfair for what the kids had to go through. I know that Chica and Ryan were deprived of food....But being with Tae Yun all the time I didn't see the extent of it. I just knew they were frail children. I'm so glad to see that they made it to adulthood. I haven't see Ryan yet but Chica has grown to be a beautiful woman and is flourishing. Keep up the good work Chica. I hope you can forgive me for not giving you more attention. I cannot forgive someone that harms children. I try but can't find it in my heart yet.
bemused said, “Both eggs and tofu have iron in them, but eggs don't have much, and plant sources of iron are not as easily absorbed as animal sources, especially red meat. Eating citrus helps the body absorb iron, but tofu and orange juice just didn't cut it for me.
“I went on thyroid medication after I left. I may have had to even if I hadn't been in full-time COL. My grandfather had to take thyroid medication starting in his 40s. That little pill was close to a panacea for me. During my COL years and even before I had lots of odd little health issues like allergies and sensitivity to chemicals. I got sick easily, I was tired a lot, I had acne, I was depressed. Thyroid medication eliminated or drastically reduced all my health issues. If Tae Yun was such a wise healer, why couldn't she tell that this was what I needed?
“Tae Yun strongly discouraged people from taking medication on a regular basis. It was okay to take antibiotics for an infection, but she thought chronic conditions should be cured by her energy. If you needed thyroid or Prozac or cortisone to feel normal, supposedly you weren't connecting with her energy enough.
“One student had rheumatoid arthritis. Reducing her dependence on medication might have been an achievable goal, but I think going off all medications wasn't good for her. Another student had pretty severe mood swings and probably could have benefited from an antidepressant.
“During the IDN days we all got to take supplements, and some of us did noticeably better. But when that was over supplements were discouraged again.”
Failed Student said, “I would like to comment on Tae Yun's dietary ideas. Way back when I first started training with her, I was at her house with Scott and a few others. She was cooking something, and she was telling me how not eating meat was a good idea. She then whispered in my ear that if you went meatless, "you wouldn't have to shave your underarms".”
“Excuse me, but if she considers that a benefit, it's idiotic. If you lose pit hair, you have a terrible lack of protein, which is the building block of nails and hair - everywhere. People that lose body hair have extreme malnutrition, like the kids in Africa that suffer from kwashiorkor. (the hair turns coppery color, then falls out, the stomach gets bloated, and death is not far away)
“I don't know where in hell she gets her ideas, but from what I read here, her students are suffering as a result of them.”
Kathy Kim said, “I wonder why none of us were put on the Atkins diet? Would there have to be too much meat bought? Would it of been too expensive of a diet? The main reason for the diets was for the saving of money on groceries. Scott himself would complain about the grocery bill. She liked to eat good but he didn't want us to. I remember the New Year's fasts for a week. That was hard. Only an apple a day. then you had to work all those hours and train on top of that.
“My physical limitations were bad enough, that was hard, at least for me. Plus I remember when she made us climb over that wall at self discovery weekend. I did it, but ma pulled me over and I suffered for a long time with my neck and shoulder. I know it is good to challenge yourself. You find you can do more than you gave yourself credit for. But Tae Yun carried some things to extreme. Just like KW knee surgery. That is something that shouldn't of happened. I hope she is not feeling the affects of it, this many years later.”
Failed Student said, “She said it alright. I should have corrected her misguided ideas, but I was too polite to challenge the teachings of the great master in those days. I continued to eat my meat though. I think if you eat a balanced diet, get enough exercise, and enough sleep, you'll be a healthy person. Throwing any of these elements out of equilibrium over a prolonged period of time will have deleterious effects.
“I don't know why she persisted with the vegetarians to try and force them to eat meat, other than it was a power play. If they had given in , she would have proven to her students that she converted vegetarians to carnivores.
“Kathy Kim said, she probably wants you to think of her when you have sex too. Yecch!”
“This has nothing to do with the previous subjects, but every time I spoke with Tae Yun, I had to speak in two syllable words or less, since she didn't understand my English.
“She doesn't comprehend complex words, so just to piss her off, I am going to pepper my posts with polysyllabic verbiage. Then her lackeys can go scurrying to the dictionary to decipher my posts.”
bemused said, “I once asked Chica's mother (ES) about this, and she said that she didn't want to do anything she would be embarrassed about if Tae Yun entered the room unexpectedly. She may have feared the punishments people have alluded to in other posts.
“Either Tae Yun or one of the senior instructors said in a COL class to avoid big words in our journals. I got the feeling I was being targeted more than some others. I tried, but there was a limit to how much I was willing to dumb down my thoughts.”
Kathy said, “ I agree...she is not stupid. She could talk better English if she wanted to. She had that English teacher come and tutor her in English when I was there. Sure she may have to look up some of the big words, but a lot of people do. She is dumb like a fox. She slithers like a snake to get what she wants. She's one of the world’s greatest manipulators. Let's see where it gets her in the end. Because when life is all over is when we begin our true life. Doing the deeds that she does, she won't be needing a fur coat or a faux fur coat I bet. Never too late to repent and change your ways Tae Yun. Life as it is today is just temporary....”
Failed said, “Back in the nineties, she used to tell us about her "spiritual retreats". But I remember when she was recounting one of those retreats, she said mentioned that she was in LA. And usually when she was in LA it was to visit family or for "operations" or "recovery".
“Hi Chica - I thought I had that question before, but.....Yes, we had weekend retreats. It was called the Ultimate Weekend, and of course, you bought a tee shirt with that on it.
“The temple owned about twenty acres about 45 minutes outside of Burlington, in a place called Westford. They had at one time constructed a building on it, sans building permit, and the town of Westford was threatening to fine them 50 dollars a day until they pulled it down. In Vermont, you need a permit to build, dig a well, put in septic, etc. They never bothered with all those formalities. They just did what they wanted. In any event, the building burned down before the fines were imposed. I will leave the rest of that subject alone...
“Anyway, they still could use the land, and they did. They advertised in Black Belt magazine, and students from outside the area would come, as well as Tae Yun's students.
They did exactly as you stated - They had a tent with a hole in the ground for heated rocks, and we sweated in it, chanting all the way.
“Those were the only retreats I knew of, and lasted from Friday evening until Sunday afternoon.”
Failed Student said, “Tae Yun did seem to want to latch onto the Native American experience. There was a small shop that sold Native American jewelry near the dojang, and I remember going with her into that place. It was called Ota-Gi-Ri. She wanted to somehow identify with the owner, but quite frankly, he looked puzzled by her.
bemused said, “The Scandinavian sauna is very similar as well, with a small enclosed space, steam from heated rocks, and diving into a near-freezing lake afterward. There are probably a lot of native cultures that do this.”
Failed Student said, “The Scandinavians also whip themselves with willow branches, probably to get the blood flowing after the icy dip. Tae Yun should add that aspect to her Sam Tang practice, since apparently she's into hitting her students.”
Kathy said, “Many cultures have the sauna I have learned. It was just new to me at the time. I actually really liked it. I liked it better when we dove into the lake and didn't just have to force ourselves to throw the 5 gallon bucket of cold water over our head...You feel so clean afterwards, so free of toxins....plus we slept like babies afterwards.
“Like many of us have said, the physical training and such were good for us. it was the other stuff that that was wrong.
“Every person cannot reinvent the wheel. You follow what you have learned and then you add to it. Tae Yun just added too much. She went way over the line. The physical pain is one thing...it is the mental abuse that has grown beyond control.”
Kathy said, “Jacob...everyone had their own experience in the Sam Tang.....Do you feel better after you get out of a steam room? I guess I did hallucinate, or whatever, because when I let it all go at the end, I didn't see the top of the Sam Tang but I saw nothing but the stars in the sky. I don't know how that happens I just know it did. It was a bit of a money maker at the time she only charged $195.00 for the weekend. She supplied the food, but all of col had to cook it and prepare it. Guests got to find out about Korean cooking and it is nice to go to, but col did a lot of work for her to be able to have those weekends. The instructors had the brunt of the work in the beginning. They had to build the Som Tang, start the fires, set things up.....It was fun making the Bongs and bong training... It was a good experience, and that is how she recruited people.”
Failed Student said, “My recollection of those weekends was of very little sleep, rigorous training, and my duty was to get up early and start the cooking fires. Drinking water had to be brought in, but there was a pond for cooking water. I remember the water was kind of muddy, but Tae Yun's mother assured us it was okay - I guess the boiling would kill the bacteria...
“I didn't deal well with the barley tea, rice, and condiments, and snuck some cookies and candy bars into my backpack so I could get my sugar high.”
bemused said, “I liked the Self-Discovery Weekends for the most part. Since there were usually lots of beginning non-COL students there, Tae Yun couldn't be abusive. COL had to work pretty hard on the cooking, though. We were told not to let any of the non-COL students, especially white belts, talk among themselves without one of us there, which is a typical cult recruitment practice.”
Kathy said, “I don't doubt it, I just think they are a little smarter and know they are being watched a little more careful now. There are cameras everywhere and you never know when you are looking into one or it is looking at what you are doing. I do believe that she will cause her own downfall by thinking she can get away with doing or having done to people whatever she wants done. All the puzzle pieces are being put together. People that were pitted against other people are stepping forward and speaking out.
“My most favorite part of COL guess what it was? I loved cooking for everyone. Cooking has always been something I have enjoyed and it was a way for me to show my feelings towards people. Maybe I'm part Italian. But I always put love into my cooking. Especially when I got to make the Thanksgiving dinner. Since I left the month before Thanksgiving I always wondered if anyone missed me there cooking. Course by then she had said all kinds of bad things about me. But know that you were all in my thoughts and heart.”
Failed Student said, “Hello again everyone - and a welcome to TakeYourKin, aka Drew, with a nice sense of humor.
“I had a couple of good golf days and enjoyed some much needed "tool of the devil"- sleep, at least according to Tae Yun. Not the other "tool" you may be thinking of. Unlike Tae Yun, I am not obsessed with sex, and at my age, I wouldn't go around snapping my fingers and asking "ain't I hot"....
“I see the posts have been flying fast and furious in my absence.
“Having told you much of my personal jeremiad, I find it interesting to note how the Tae Yun has continued unabashedly on her path of self-aggrandizing. She reminds me of a spoiled child. It's always "I want" with her, and if she doesn't get her way, she throws a temper tantrum. No wonder her parents tried to abandon their devil child. Nonetheless, her sycophants continue to play into her demands, giving her carte blanche to destroy hopes, lives, and dreams for the future.
“Of course, with all this "remembrance of things past" (Proust), I have had another dream and I think it reflects how it will be for the POW in Hell. The opening scene was a dojang, but it wasn't about martial arts really. I was a blue belt, her minions were green belts, and Tae Yun was a white belt (actually she wore an almond colored dobuk with a little monogram (St. John?), and a matching belt). I trained for as long as I wanted, then bowed out, and Tae Yun was in the ante-room. We kept our distance from each other, not wanting to acknowledge the other's presence. That's how it's going to be, she's going to be the lowest in rank. (Either that's something in the Bible or it comes from Peter, Paul, and Mary's song The Times They are a Changing). Would that it were so, and soon.
bemused said, “Jacob - I'm not a parent, but as the oldest daughter of a single mom, I helped out a lot with my brother and sister. If a COL couple were to have a baby, one of them, most likely the mom, would basically be unable to help out in COL or Lighthouse for at least a year. The other would be divided between helping their spouse and keeping up their COL and Lighthouse obligations. It would be a serious drain on Tae Yun's resources, especially if several couples had kids at the same time.
“And Kathy is right about the parent-child bond competing with Tae Yun. Most of the mothers couldn't do what Chica's mom did and just let their kids be raised by the group. It's telling that no couples left COL together, but when SL (later JM) left, she took her son with her even though he was almost an adult at that point. Some divorced moms let their kids live with the dad, but this is the exception that proves the rule. The other parent can be trusted to give quality care.”
bemused said, “Tae Yun has often said that current and former female students act against her more than male students do. I wonder if she understands what a self-fulfilling prophecy is. She is more critical of women. She treats them like servants, squelches any pride they have, envies their beauty, accuses them of tempting men, puts them on dangerous diets, believes ancient superstitions about their bodies, gives them crappy jobs she wouldn't give men, usually promotes men faster in COL rankings (unrelated to belt rank), and lets the men make fun of them and order them around. Then she blames the inevitable bitter reaction on "female energy." … She advertises herself to the public as a woman who has succeeded in a man's world and as an advocate for women. I was drawn in by that image. And sure, she wants to show off her female students as demonstrations. But behind the scenes her attitude toward women is almost medieval.”
Her Lesson said, “I believe she treats women like that because women are much harder to convince then men. She can wear mini skirts, have her bust enlarged and do phone sex and even sleep with them....it is much easier to deceive a man, especially when she makes them be celibate, even a pudgy old lady looks good.
“Women are much more cynical. Of course, they are also her competition.
“Tae Yun has shown contempt for the Americans when I told her I was born in Hungary, she shared her views thinking I would feel the same. She told me the Americans were lazy and spoiled. She also shared that American men were easy, that's when she shared her secret about her special tiger perfume.
“COL'ers, I believe she was laughing at you then and she is laughing at you now. If she loves you like she says she does, why did she share the above with me when I was a total stranger? Just think of what she shares with people that she knows. Aren't you tired of being laughed at by Tae Yun?
Failed Student said, “Her Lesson - My mother had a term for such as the POW I'll do it phonetically in Hungarian: "ootalitush". I don't know if it has enough bite to describe her however.
“I believe one of the reasons the POW doesn't like women is that they really are the movers and shakers of society. Women organize, get out there and demonstrate, they cause laws to be changed. Did any men work for a woman's right to vote, or a woman's right to choose? Maybe a few, but it's women by and large that use their brains while men use brawn. So brain vs. brain, her women students see through her and that's why they enlighten others as to her machinations. They present a clear and present danger to the Tae Yun.”
Kathy said, “Tae Yun treated me different than she did the other col women. Don't you think so bemused? Or was it my perception? I was almost as old as her and everyone else was at least 10 years or more, younger than me. I got away with a lot more stuff. I went and visited my family. I took trips. ts got mad at the way I answered EAS one day and said to me she is your senior you don't talk to her that way. I told him what I was saying was true. I didn't bow to rank. In col I was only #2 in the house of women.....I was shocked to hear about the 10 year affair with Adam G, but then I started putting things together. She hid lots of stuff from col. Even some of the instructors didn't know about her second husband till after the fact. Look how many believed she had cancer? Look at old pictures of her, she was flat chested. Nothing is wrong with plastic surgery, only when you lie about it and want everyone to pray because you have cancer, when it is a boob job leaking. The truth is coming out by the masses. All of these people can't be liars and the proof is there to back up claims. Looks like the clock is ticking.”
Kathy said, “Chicabonita said, The funny thing is that she said that McDonald’s was bad, but she ate Burger King and even took us there. She especially raved about the French fries. She also ate KFC at the movies. That and Milk Duds.
“She had a candy bar or two when I was there but she didn't do the other food. We did start going to Fresh Choice instead of Korean Food but no fast foods. I took you and your brother to McDonald's when I took my son. Did you ever see how she put her hands on the male students? Like if she was doing her healing? I did. Where did her hands roam? Oops that must be the hot pepper...what do you think she did in private classes? Men won't speak up usually how a woman will.
“No one likes to admit they were dooped, I feel men feel that more. I'm so glad to see the instructors that left. when kk left I was so sad. He was so young and such a good student and leader. But then the other instructors that left, good for them, I'm glad they have fulfilling lives now. They paid their dues and endured their share too. We looked up to most of them. I know them to be good men... We were all victims of her plans, they don't go unscathed. But they have and are rebuilding... She likes them young to mold them...such is the reason to let the truth out, so those going in can know the things that we endured and the lies and deceits and who she really is.”
Failed Student said, “I recalled something that happened on one of my trips with Tae Yun Kim and her senior students. We were driving somewhere, it was night, and Madame had to go pee pee. There was no restroom, so she and I found a spot where she could do her business.
“After she used the tissue, she gave it to me to dispose of. Maybe now her students consider it an honor to handle a tissue with her bodily waste on it, but I find it gross and disgusting. Why couldn't she dispose of it herself? Is she that lazy?”
Lesson said, “She is always the one that goes after someone who leaves, not the other way around. She is the one that starts the legal issues from what I know and hear so why is she blaming someone else. And if she were so great and wonderful, why does COL always have to clean up her legal crap?
“Insofar as pulling it out of butt, she did pull the toilet paper out of her butt after she wiped herself and handed to someone else. That is exactly what the COL'ers are going to get, toilet paper with her crap on it.”
Bemused said, “I don't know if I can come up with a quick answer. Steven Hassan, an ex-Moonie and cult expert, says, "No one ever joins a cult. They just postpone the decision to leave." As I explained in an earlier post, this was literally true for me. If I thought of leaving, I told myself that if I still felt that way in six months, or at the new year, or after the next testing, etc., I would leave.
“I didn't entertain the idea seriously, though, until after I got my black belt. I had this fantasy that Tae Yun and the instructors lived in this world that was the best of Self-Discovery Weekend, Energy Training, the Intensive Program, and her holiday celebrations. I thought that if I were a good enough student I would be invited into that world. I thought for sure that getting my black belt would earn me a place there. It didn't, and I was very disappointed.
“But when I saw the Humiliation Rituals and other emotional abuse, I recoiled. And at times, quietly, in my journal, I argued with Tae Yun. I had always achieved goals by performing well before. I assumed this was the way to get ahead in Tae Yun's world. It took me a long time to realize that Tae Yun wanted obedience, and the willingness to suffer her abuse. I could comply only up to a point. She knew this, and only let me into her circle up to a point.
“About two years before I left I started having crying spells not triggered by anything in particular. I also went to one doctor who told me I was anemic and another who told me I was suffering from adrenal exhaustion. I was finding it hard to cope. I also found I enjoyed interacting with Lighthouse customers and regular JSW students more than with COL members. They respected me more and treated me better, probably because they weren't exhausted themselves.
Bemused said, “The Inside Edition segment didn't faze me much, except for the part about BB's inheritance. I knew there had been a financial dispute, but I had no idea it had involved so much money. I also remembered overhearing BB talk to Tae Yun on the phone late at night. I knew it was Tae Yun by the way BB answered the phone. BB was crying and said something about money. I was able to put together what must have happened.
“Scott met with me and said that I could be contributing to our purpose, by writing music for Tae Yun's TV show or something, but I wasn't. He asked if I wanted to leave. At that point I wasn't ready yet.
“Tae Yun tried to accommodate me by adding more music to COL classes, having me play the piano, and doing more karaoke nights. She didn't seem to understand that I wanted to create music, not just perform it, and for the local community, not just COL. Tae Yun said a few times that I should pursue my dream, but there was a hint of sarcasm in her voice, as if any other dream was inferior to hers.
“In earlier posts Chica talked about Tae Yun's meeting at COL3 where she answered Chica's suspicions about Tae Yun sleeping with instructors. I was there. Tae Yun had three responses: sometimes she had students spend the night with her if they were going through difficulties, for example KW after DP left; her personal life was none of our business (never mind that she insisted on knowing ours); and if she was sleeping with someone, think of the wonderful energy they were getting. The third response disturbed me greatly, because just a few weeks earlier I'd read in the paper about a yoga master who had used the same excuse when accused of sexually abusing his students.
“There was also tension when I was working in the purchasing department at Lighthouse, which I described in an earlier post, but I think this was Tae Yun's way of maneuvering me out. I don't hold it against MP, who I believe was as manipulated as I was. Tae Yun held a COL class in which she asked five COL women how they thought I was doing. The first four said, basically, "great," except that they noticed I was playing the piano more on Sunday. Then Tae Yun asked MP, who started crying and saying how difficult I was to work with. I tried to defend myself, but Tae Yun would have none of it. She said, "Find an apartment."
“Normally this would have been my cue to beg forgiveness, declare my undying loyalty, and prepare myself for an arduous "special program" to earn her renewed approval. But I was just quiet shaking and cold, but quiet. I realized that I wanted to leave, and she had just made it that much easier.
“All this went down right around my 35th birthday in October of 1998. I lost what had been my family, friends, fiancé, job, home, and religion, all at once. At that time the COL houses were being officially disbanded.
“I was allowed to stay at the new, unofficial COL house until I had enough money for first month's rent and the security deposit on an apartment. The other residents tended to avoid me. I tried to keep to myself. Because I landed a good job quickly, I was only there for about a month.
“I continued in part-time COL until the new year, when a credit card company demanded that I settle or they would take me to court. I opted to settle and money was tight for the first three months of 1999. I continued in JSW class because I enjoyed training and working with students, but my attitude had changed.
“Tae Yun's lectures just seemed like more of the same. I knew too much to take them at face value. In August of 1999 I turned in my key to the JSW Academy and never looked back.”
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